*I know it looks long, but if you really want to know everything from my point of view please do read it all. It's hard for me to write this, but for people to have only part of the story makes things more difficult to explain.

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**Also, comments are apprechiated, even if you don't think it's something I want to hear, your opinion is just that, your own.

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Well most of my friends and such know the basics of what happened last monday (may 5th our 2 month aniversary), but they don't really know how I feel, or what has been rolling through my head lately, so I figured if everyone is going to be so patient and kind it's only right to give the whole story, rather than confusing spoonfulls.



Monday:

9:40 pm I was getting together some prom things and checking what homework I had left when joe calls, I answer all happy and excited I wanted to talk about a whole list of things, from prom to battle of the bands. He didn't really seem his usualy self at all, his voice was tired and low, he didn't talk to me about anything but instead cut right to the chase. He said he couldn't go to prom. I didn't know what to say really I just asked why, he told me his shifts got re-orginized and he couldn't get out of it and he really wanted to keep his job. I really didn't like this but I asked if he negotiated and couldn't he get a nother job, there had to be better money in a place like that one club he almost worked at. He said no, instantly I started thinking how it's alright I mean it's just a dance I can take him out another time, we could do something quiet so he can rest ext. He then starts on again, this time saying "I think we should break up for a while". I was really confused it all seemed like a really sudden change of heart on his half. He said that with work and his band he didn't have enough time to see me and such and he thought it would be best for us just to end it now before things got really bad he said I needed time to think about it and i would see how hes right and I'd be glad things worked out this way. I couldn't really think any more I was really distraught and I had started crying, I tried so hard not to but I couldn't stop it. I remember I yelled no at him and I just plain told him I thought he was wrong, I told him things were getting alittle difficult, but now that I'm done with soccer and schools almost out and I get my license in a few days things will get easier. I told him that this time around when people start getting jobs and going to collage is always a little harder but you have to be patient and you have to just work through it but he said it was IMPOSSIBLE for things to work.

he eventually came to the argument that it was what's best for him since what's best for us wasn't working. I tried to ask him about his feelings for me, I didnt' get how this could be such and easy straight forward decision, I ask him about how he said I love you to me I asked him if it had meant nothing and he just said that it had meant something, he said he couldn't understand how I could feel so strongly for him. I asked him are your feelings for me, is a relationship with me just not worth anything, am I not important enough... and he paused for a second and said in the coldest tone "no." then he started to say how he was tired and wanted to go to bed, he didn't want to talk about it any more, but he said we can still hang out and talk and stuff I replied with "Joe that's what we already do!" and he said it wasn't the same he just couldnt love someone he doesn't get to see or talk to all the time, he doesn't work that way... then he generously said he would call me on his cell phone once he got it so I could have his number and he said he was going to bed he said bye and I started to sob I tried so so hard to say bye but I couldn't and he was waiting for me I guess to say it but I just said I can't, I just cant say bye to you Joe, I can't do it. So he said, alright, I'm just going to hang up then. I started sobbing more and I tried to say no but I couldn't said anything and he hung up and I felt so.. confused and lost and just this weird painfully empty feeling it was nothing I ever felt with any other situation in my life, not even when people have died.


I went to bed didn't talk to anyone just yelled down stairs for my mum to feel my cats and I went to bed, she tried to force her way in m room (bitch) but I ignored her and siad i would talk later. I layed in bed, I couldn't sleep at all I felt so sick I thoguht I was going to throw up.


I texted Phil I hoped maybe he know what just happened I hoped he could expalin what happened in the few days since I had last seen Joe. He ended up calling me to talk, we talked for over an hour, I told him all I could manage and he just saying how everything would be alright I would get through it ext. he said he was glad I contacted him and he'd like to hang out some time. After that I lay awake for a few more hours, I got aobut an hour and half of 'sleep' and I went to school.


As school I tried my best not to bother people with it I tried to ignore everything but I couldn't focus on work, everyone knew something was really wrong my hair was unbrushed but wet (I managed to crawl in the tub but I don't remeber if I actually did anything other than put shampoo in my hair and lazily rinse it out) I was weairng random cloths I found on the floor and no make up. I looked like shit and felt like shit. I made it most of the way through first period, even when they were talking about prom. I waited till they finished then 5 min before the bell I poked Blake and said "I don't know what's going on with my prom stuff any more.. I think I might need a ride, Joe wont be going" and then of course the questions came and I managed to say what happened last night in a short single sentence and moved on.


The bell rang I went out into the hall behind everyone else taking my time I stood aside from my group of friends wiating for Blake so we could walk part way to our second periods like we usually do when wendy just came over and hugged me and asked why I looked so sad then I just broke down and it was just crap from there I cried through most of my classes and it sucked. I haven't cried infront of others for any day since then, I coudln't eat for most of the week, I was just not hungery or I felt to nausous, or if I actually tried to eat I would throw up.



Prom:

Well I haven't cried for a few days, till now when I've had to type all this out. I'm eating again, I dont fell so sick and I canttalk to people about it without getting insanely distracted and teary-eyed... but i cant sleep hardly. I didn't cry at prom. I went and danced with friends to crappy music, I tried to do a slow dance with my really good friend Joe Matlock but I almost cried and just left the room every time a love song came on. The last one I couldnt leave for, and it had to be the gushiest of them all bleh x.x I then went ot SNAPP (I managed to get a late and very expensive ticket) .I hung out with friends didn't sleep, played games, and my ex dani came up to me and started to talk, kinda randomly... We had a very mature conversation and such and I guess we are on talking terms again. He seems to have grown up over the past 2 months. Oh, and I won some suit cases -.- ya woo-hoo cheap ugly walmart cases, worth 30 dollars, I'll take the money thanks, could pay back miles for gas with that.....

What I have figured out:

So with all my time to think it out (as Joe suggested I do, seeing as I would magicaly see things his way and realise just how right he was) I have actually come up with what I think really happened.



-First off he doens't know what the workds "I love you" mean. To him they seem to be a simple prase he threw in when he wanted a kiss, or something he would say after holding me and telling me "trust me, katie you have to trust me I'm not going to hurt you". What annoys me most is I belived him, and I fell into it and I pushed my self so hard and finaly the weekend before he dumped me I'd been thinking and I figured out how to just simply trust him... David told me that if he said I love you he probably meant it and i had to just trust that Joe really is a decent guy and he means what he says. So I trusted him and I felt really happy about that and I felt like I was really falling so foolishly inlove with him.



-Secondly, he was using me. I was a fun toy he used to fill all his free time, and it sicken me to think I let him touch me; in any way physical or emotional. Joe couldn't belive I felt so much for him, but seriously I know he knows what kind of a person I am, I would never have gotten sexual with him if I didn't really think our relationship was going somewhere, if didin't think he meant it when he'd whisper in me ear "trust me". I think he really knows this, I think he used that to his advantage.



-Thirdly, he is a selfish coward. He siad he hated that he had to break up with me on the phone, and I want to belive him. When he said it's what's best for him I think he meant it's what's easier for him, and he probably wanted a new toy. He's trying to run away from life, he's focusing on only the things he thinks will bring him success... but working so many hours like that and thinking that his life will be all fine and dandy doing nothing but work and sleep squishing band practice and school in there.... that's basicly what my life was before I met him. Even he said he didn't think he could survive like that it would be too boring ext. and I really belive that. He's going to to stop one day soon, maybe later, and something wont be right, something will be missing and he might not be able to figure it out. I'm sure he will date other girls (infact im almost certain he probably got curious about someone else as part of a reason to break up with me.... I figure he will probably try to date some one he works with, or someone really close to that sort...) but he wont ever get real close to them, he will prbably repeat the same exact thing over and over, and if you don't belive me ask him why he broke up with his last girlfriend. He told me on the phone that this is what happened before, he got too into his job ext and they "drifted apart". Which brings be back to my second point. He was using me to fill his free time, and this also brings up what I said back to him on the phone. I told him to let life happen, that you don't know what the future is bringing, you really don't, and it's stupid to assume and jump the gun like this.



How I feel:

Wed. I tried to dress pretty in one of my new skirts... I put on some make-up and eveyrhting but I still felt like shit, and it didn't feel right at all... and no ones really that pretty if they're not smiling..

Friday I actually got mad. All week I have been in my little bubble of depression, ext. but friday I was talking to Nick and Blake in first period and I was talking about all the things that made me mad about Joe, about how he broke up with me, about how he left me waiting while "my friends car broke down" or he "had to get pot for these guys" ext. how he never called me, not even for 5 min to say hi. ext. I wasn't pissed though... I was mad.. but it wasn't like angery it wasn't like throwing my books around it was weird I just for once felt that I looked at his faults rather than my own and "what went wrong".



That new dress I bought.. That really pretty one last saterday from the mall... it seems like a waste now. I looked so pretty in it, I was so excited I was going to take Joe out on a romantic date. I figured I should be responsible for some of this courtship stuff too so I planned it all out. we were going to go to market street at night when there aren't many people... on one of his days off we would have a small picnic and he could rest and relax and we could talk about anything and listen to the fountains. It was supposed to be for him, cuz he was so tired, cuz he was working so much, cuz he was so stressed, cuz I loved him.


Now the dress seems so pointless. I can't even look at it, it's just there in my closet, I think it fell off the hanger.



What I want to be true:

I am terrified that I will go hang out with Phil or Grant or someone and run in to Joe, I will see him with his arm around another girl, perhaps not, perhaps he will just look at me and try to talk. It terrifies me and I have trouble sleeping because half the time thats what I dream about.


What I want to be true is everything he said about he did have feelings for me. but I wish he still did, I wish he felt what I felt. I want it to be true that he is doing all this to protect me, in fact, and that he is a decent guy who meant everything he said, and something drastic happened him in his life that he just doesn't want to talk about. I want it to be true that he feels hurt over this aswell... That perhaps I'm not a foool to have fallen for him, perhaps he wants more than anything to have a relationship with me but is scared. What I want to be true is that I wasn't used, that I wasn't treated like some groupie, that I wasnt a filler for a boring part of his life.


What I want to be true is that he respects me.



What other people tell me:

Everyone I talk to say I need to move on, don't wait for him to talk to me don't expect anything from him he's a douche, your a beautiful smart girl there will be others. Joe even said there were lots of guys out there, I said I didn't want other guys, I wanted him. Everyone tells me he wasn't that great a boyfriend I could do better. I don't want better. -.- When I tell people how it happened they tell me somethings up with that, it's not right he must be cheating or he must not be a great guy ext. Some people like David don't even know what to say except "It's guys like him that make things for guys like me really hard" -.- Everyone seems to think that Joe is Joe, and Joe was rash but is obviously a douche and I shoudln't bother with it, they think I should instantly move on... Phil at least seemed ot understand how things don't work so fast. Oh and my hair dresser chris so nicely told me that "I wish I could tell you they get better as you get older, but they really dont. Guys are just Guys and they can be really stupid" She also said I should get some kind of revenge like sending him a bunch of prom pics ext . -.- but I'm not like that really, I want to show Phil my pics though, Phil had said he'd try and find a tux to go with me.. but it just didntt work out. hes such a nice guy...
So basicly, according to everyone and thier mom, I need to move on, he's a douche, and he was probably up to no good. Wow... isn't that a nice thought. it almost makes me feel worse x.x

Any regrets?

I wish I talked to him better, things were getting easier for me, I think things would have been fine if he hadn't broke up with me then, I think I finaly figured out whats important and what not, I think I finaly figured out how to talk to him too with out having some kind of cryptic girl language or wahtever x.x

I really with he had talked to me about it too.. before he broke up with me.. it might have made things easier if it was a mutual thing, or if we had been fighting if the relationship was unstable.. The thing is everything was fine, except for my little insecurities (as far asI could tell) but I was pretty much past all that really... I was getting better.. Maybe he didn't like that... I don't know.. I just wish I wasn't such a patheticly vunerable little child. I wish I grew up faster in those 2 months, I wish I knew how to deal with my fears in an instant. I said it before to Joe and now I will say it again, but this time so everyone can hear to. It's not fair... it's just not fair, how vunerable you make me feel, it scares me. But this time theres no one to hold me and whisper back "I know but just trust me, I wont hurt you, I love you."

In conclusion:

So ya, thats a really long but actually short explination of my life this week.



Oh, and I haven't heard from him since, and Phil hasn't re urned my texts in a few days :/ I really like the friends I made wihle hanging out with him, they are different but similar to my own back here at my school... but I was really hoping to keep in touch with all of them... I dunno. I guess if both sides aren't really willing to put in some effort then what are you going to do? I hope I'm just being pesimistic.



I'm really sad I don't think I can go see Iron Maiden now.. I was planning to go with Joe so I didn't put any money aside, and now I'm too scare I might see him there...

Tags: break up prom sad emo heartbreak boyfriend pain heart hopeless used love se