I don't like my head. I really don't. It's like this lil pest that refuses
to leave me in peace. Forgive me, I'm cranky... had another one of those
crazy-vivid dreams that always screw with me. I was already kind of mad at SO,
did not help. I dunno I'll get the MP3 player later and get some stuff done...
you know sometimes I worry that he'll read what I write... but then he comes
over here and interrupts my train of thought and I stop caring. And I seriously
don't think he even knows the URL to FF. No biggie, he just knows it's one of
those "stupid things" that I check daily.
I need to stabilize...chemical or otherwise and write a big long list of
shit-to-do. I need to stick to list. SO told said something to the effect of
"meth makes you lose weight and be hyper." Well damn guess I need
some meth! Isn't it funny how people use mental, um,illness as something to
make them look "cool." !!!NEXT LINE WILL BE OFFENSIVE!!! Hate those
little bitches who get suicidal because of omg! I totally wanted that shirt! No
fair. Oh my...FUCKING god. Oh I know, everyone's got a sadder story, F-THAT.
You know using that energy for productive things is a wonderful thing. It
creates art. Yes, I realize I'm being a fucking hypocrite, but sometimes I
gotta be my own cheerleader.
Yeah...still buzzing pretty much from last night. I have nothing better to
do than getting plastered and giggle my butt off at GMW picking on people on
Paltalk. Speaking of... there goes my fucking phone *GR* gotta put that
on my priority list. It's good thing that I bought a mic when I did...typing
gets to be a bitch around 4 AM. I'll pry spend a few hours in the bathtub
today... I feel like freeze shocking my system. And somehow the chorine never
got put into the pool yesterday. Dammit. I want to win the lotto and put in
some obscenely big wave pool in my yard. Get one of those floaty lounge chairs
and bounce around all day. Fun. Fun with straws.
Hmm...see I get it. I do. All of these things 'round here; people,
they have a choke chain around my neck. Called obligation. I'm just dumb enough
to take it seriously and such. I had every intention in giving a few folks some
lovely bruises for Xmas. In various states. But I just couldn't do it. I
couldn't flip the bird to the threats. Stupid. Now it's just snowballing. One
thing after another. There's a part of me that hopes they all just disappear.
I dunno. I don't want her to disappear because I'd worry too much. See
that's okay though. I'm allowed to worry about her, she's freakin' 2. I
shouldn't be trying to take care of all the rest of these people... who are not
only older than 2 they're older than ME. Sure, my mother is sick. You know
what? This is the person who literally kicked me out of the house in some way
or another when I started interfering with her life. Oh I know, you're the
better for taking care of her... but you know that got old several months ago.
I really don't think it should matter these days. I never signed up to be the
punching bag and babysitter here. There's only one person I signed up to play
parent to.
Damn convoluted thoughts... and still in the very back of my
annoying-as-shit head there's this lil part that STILL thinks...maybe. It
causes very vivid dreams. They hurt on some indescribable level....and it comes
back to you.
“I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you
I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you
I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you
I step out my front door, and it comes back to you
The end of my driveway, it comes back to you
Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you
I could die in Los Angeles.
It would come back to you."
Tags: sixx a_m_ _ permisson
