Felt like blogging. So I am. Sooo, lets see. I'm hyper from coffee... I am smiling because I spoke with Nite who I adore. I love him to pieces and he gives me a place another place I am able to call home. I love knowing I have people like him around me because I know how he cares for his friends and family and how he's putting alot of effort into his business and into this site. I wish he could be around me, but I know that he's takin' care of his family. Ah, my pops is awesome.
Yeah, just felt like blogging. Its fun
So like yeah. I dont know. I feel like typing. I want to write something but I dont know what. I feel like writing a poem but i dont what words to use that'll make sense. I feel like im in so type of trance lately. I feel like this urge to go do something, to go see something, or what have you. I hate this feeling. Beucase theres one thing I KNOW i want to do but I can't. *sighs* oie.
You are never given a wish
without being given the power to make it come true.
*~*~*~*~*
And after what just happened, i was kicked out of that trance. HAH! I know I rather be what ive been a long time then feel like i do right now. So lets say hello to freedom!
Im typing this because Im trying to keep myself crying. Why you ask? Because I wish I could be more of a help to someone. I care for them dearly and I just know they are going through hell.
I bet you're thinking what type of hell. We all go through it. Yes we do, but not much as this person has. I see this great great GREAT person who has overcome alot just pretty much having a melt down and I really cant help besides talking to them... which i know is what a friend is for but I feel like i need to do more.
Ive had to defend this person when I shouldnt have to. People have to understand that they got alot of shit on their mind and have not had the greatest life like some of us have. I just... Wow. I feel like an idiot which you could say I am to a point but oh well.
Anyways. I just want everyone to know that sometimes in life, you go through hell, alot of it and it takes ALOT of time to heal if ever FULLY to heal from what has happened to you and we need to resepect them for their decisions and respect them as a person because we really dont know how it feels like till we've been in their shoes.
Alright so Im posting a blog because this is really still plucking my nerves even though it was kinda of settaled last night(meaning someone said sorry.) but I want people who knows me well enough to give me an honest opinion....
... Am I dependent?
I dont think I am. I get upset easily over certian things I admit that but because I am missing something that I once had and because that upsets me does it really make me dependent? I can understand clingy because I KNOW I've been like that and anyone who says I haven't been is lying. Though I dont see how I'm dependent. I just don't. I go about my day just perfectly fine just sometimes I get worried or upset about something. I work damn hard at my job and I get no reconition for it. I treat everyone the same with my best ability. I tell every single person I know I love them because in some way I do. Its just I don't get how I'm goddamn dependent and IF I am maybe its because Ive had fucked up relationships in the past. Because lets go over this...
Jessica - When we first started talking and got into our relationship she lied about her age to me, she told me she was in one place but in another... I mean right there shows you I have trust issues now. And with her it was a 3 year on and off again
Toby - This guy will be mention twice since I am going by when things happened. Lets see I met him through a friend, he said I was cute and he wanted me to have his number. I turned around and told that friend to tell him to call me. He did, we get a date to hang out and this was my first OFFICAL date date and things went from there. For two weeks it was fine till I said I love ya which let me remind you all again I SAY IT TO FUCKIN EVERYONE. And he ignored me for the whole weekened and finally called to tell me that he's the issue this and that blah blah blah. Wow, I was fucked over there.
Rob - Ahh, god ol' navy boys. I knew him for 3 years but didnt talk to him the whole time. He was in Illions I think when we got together, when he got trasnfered to Virgina he came to visit me. Things were great, peachy keen... not even a month later we broke up because after he came up he became distant. Wow, I was fucked over again.
Toby yet again - Ah, lets see. I go to visit that same friend and let me remind you he fucking DATED her after we broke up. I was being nice told him to come with us when me and two of my other friends went out and pretty much ended up hanging out with him again, staying at his house and low and behold i lost my viriginity to him(I was 19 at the time. Yes I am old). There was no "were together" deal but you'd think when you took something SO PRECIOUS from a girl who youve dated before and didnt put out then you'd least be nice enough to keep in touch. No you're gonna fucking treat her like shit, fucking make random phonecalls any hour of the night and I had to end up changing my number and then you accuse me STEALING from you... but oh then you find out a friend borrowed it. Hmm. MORE TRUST ISSUES THERE.
Tony - Oh he's the worse one of all of them. He's a sleezy scumbbag. See's my picture, messages me, i message back, hey we talk online, give him my number the same night thinking nothing of it. End up talking more end up i really like you, I'll come visit you he says. He does. The same day not even 2 hours later is touching you in places you shouldnt be touched in a movie theater. Me being the stupid girl I am didnt really get the picture he just wanted sex. He then tells me he loves me and then I find out he CHEATED on me. (wow, can we see that I have trust issues?) I forgive the fucking idiot and what do I do? I have him come up to stay the night, TRY to sleep with him (aka he's met the melty man) and he comes up two days later and we TRY again (this time something happens to me, poor guy) and day after that one he decides to ignore me and when he does finally talk to me he wont give me an answer on wtf happened and just says he's stupid.
Thats only namin' the people ive been in relationships. Thats not going into my friends who have fucked me over and have put me into this mode of always being paraniod that people are out to get me. So I have alot of trust issues with people. And I can see to a point where I may be "Dependent" on someone but after what Ive gone through in my life... you understand because I know ALOT of people have gone through these things. Its just I wish people would realize I care for them and I dont want to be told I'm so whiny bitch.
Yeah I just posted ALOT of personal stuff on the internet for anyone viewing but really... I dont care. Because anyone who talks to me on a regular basis knows least Toby and Tony because those two just happened within the past 10 months and I know one of them has heard of Rob and I want to say one of them probably knows Rob from furcadia. And my feeling is half of people on furreface doesnt know me and probably wont read this only closes friends will and if people do read it, enjoy laughing at me!
